...some Audre Lorde...

walking our boundaries

This first bright day has broken
the back of winter.
We rise from war
to walk across the earth
around our house
both stunned that sun can shine so brightly
after all our pain
Cautiously we inspect our joint holdings.
A part of last year's garden still stands
bracken
one tough missed okra pod clings to the vine
a parody of fruit cold-hard and swollen
underfoot
one rotting shingle
is becoming loam.

I take your hand beside the compost heap
glad to be alive and still
with you
we talk of ordinary articles
with relief
while we peer upward
each half-afraid
there will be no tight buds started
on our ancient apple tree
so badly damaged by last winter's storm
knowing
it does not pay to cherish symbols
when substance
lies so close at hand
waiting to be held
your hand
falls off the apple bark
like casual fire
along my back
my shoulders are dead leaves
waiting to be burned
to life.

The sun is watery warm
our voices
seem too loud for this small yard
too tentative for women
so in love
the siding has come loose in spots
our footsteps hold this place
together
as our place
our joint decisions make the possible
whole.
I do not know when
we shall laugh again
but next week
we will spade up another plot
for this spring's seeding.

Ghost

Since I don't want to trip over your silence
over the gap that is you
in my dark
I will deal how it feels
with you
climbing another impossible mountain
with you gone
away a long time ago.

I don't want my life to be woven or chosen
from pain I am concealing
from fractions of myself
from your voice crying out in your sleep
to another woman
come play in the snow love
but this is not the same winter.

That was our first season of cold
I counted the patterned snowflakes
of love melting into ice
concealing our dreams of separation
I could not bear to write
our names on the mailbox
I could not bear to tell you my dreams
nor to question your
now this poem
makes those mornings real again.

"You were always real" Bernice is saying
but I see the scars of her pain
hidden beneath the flesh of her cheekbones
and I do not know how many years I spent
trying to forget you
but I am afraid to think
how many years I will spend
trying to remember

Power

The difference between poetry and rhetoric
is being
ready to kill
yourself
instead of your children

I am trapped on a desert of raw gunshot wounds
and a dead child dragging his shattered black
face off the edge of my sleep
blood from his punctured cheeks and shoulders
is the only liquid for miles and my stomach
churns at the imagined taste while
my mouth splits into dry lips
without loyalty or reason
thirsting for the wetness of his blood
as it sinks into the whiteness
of the desert where I am lost
without imagery or magic
trying to make power out of hatred and destruction
trying to heal my dying son with kisses
only the sun will bleach his bones quicker.

The policeman who shot down a 10-year-old in Queens
stood over the boy with cop shoes in childish blood
and a voice said "Die you little motherfucker' and
there are tapes to prove that. At his trial
this policeman said in his own defense
"I didn't notice the size or nothing else
only the only." and
there are tapes to prove that, too.

Today that 37-year-old white man with his 13 years of police forcing
has been set free
by 11 white men who said they were satisfied
justice had been done
and only black woman who said
"They convinced me" meaning
they had dragged her 4'10" black woman's frame
over the hot coals of four centuries of white male approval
until she let go the first real power she ever had
and lined her own womb with cement
to make a graveyard for our children.

I have not been able to touch the destruction within me.
But unless I learn to use
the difference between poetry and rhetoric
my power too will run corrupt as poisonous mold
or lie limp and useless as an unconnected wire
and one day I will take my teenaged plug
and connect it to the nearest socket
raping an 85-year-old white woman
who is somebody's mother
and as I beat her senseless and set a torch to her bed
a greek chorus will be singing in 3/4 time
"Poor thing. She never hurt a soul. What beasts they are."

Solstice

We forgot to water the plantain shoots
when our houses were full of borrowed meat
and our stomachs with the gift of strangers
who laugh now as they pass us
because our land is barren
the farms are choked with stunted rows of straw
and with our nightmares
of juicy brown yams that cannot fill us.
The roofs of our houses rot from last winter's water
but our drinking pots are broken
we have used them to mourn the deaths of old lovers
the next rain will wash our footprints away
and our children have married beneath them.

Our skins are empty.
They have been vacated by the spirits
who are angered by our reluctance
to feed them.
In baskets of straw made from sleep grass
and the dropping of civets
they have been hidden away by our mothers
who are waiting for us by the river.

My skin is tightening
soon I shall shed it
like a monitor lizard
like remembered comfort
at the new moon's rising
I will eat the last signs of my weakness
remove the scars of old childhood wars
and dare to enter the forest whistling
like a snake that has fed the chameleon
for changes
I shall be forever.

May I never remember reasons
for my spirits safety
may I never forget
the warning of my woman's flesh
weeping at the new moon
may I never lose
that terror
that keeps me brave
May I owe nothing
that I cannot repay.

winter

The raindrops are falling again
all about us
bringing a cold one could only mistake as winter
chilling my nose
and frightening these bones back into place
my muscles tighten against the wind
pushing thoughts toward the windows of the world
these panes chill my forehead, leaving a wet, white mark
next time--
i won't be mistaken

untitled

it is raining once again
misty drops are soaking through our compost
and curling around your eyelids
we look out across this misty earth
through speckled lenses
mixing hot breath with cool air
our secrets exhale into the leaves and grasses
lying softly beside the garden
so many miles i've trekked toward this moment
when all i've yearned for is here
and life is no longer perfect

secrets

I waited in the corner
by the candlelight
etching expectant words into my journal
outside, darkness spread herself wide open
i poured thoughts upon the pages
blue blood pulsed out of my pen
and out into the world
it's out there
the truth has been spoken
i read it
and saw it
on your face
as you passed by the darkened window
and inhaled the breath of my forgotten secret

with jubilation [post-election]

i read with jubilation the thoughts i wrote monday night

"the expectations are soaking into my lungs and i'm choking on the anticipation in the air"

forgetting

the familiar smiles are fading
donna's voice - a calm amidst this storm
so quickly it blew in and took hold
ripping memory from it's foundation
whipping thoughts about as in a dust bowl
forgotten reasons and seasons
words without the weight of their meaning
how frightening this struggle must be for you
pulling at the roots of your soul
i can feel the pain as it uproots your being
erasing our faces
and you

From Start Where You Are

"Although it is embarrassing and painful, it is very healing to stop hiding from yourself. It is healing to know all the ways that you shut down, deny, close off, criticize people, all your weird little ways. You can know all that with some sense of humor and kindness. By knowing yourself, you're coming to know humanness altogether. We are all up against these things. We are all in this together. So when you realize that you're talking to yourself, label it "thinking" and notice your tone of voice. Let it be compassionate and gentle and humorous. Then you'll be changing old stuck patterns that are shared by the whole human race. Compassion for others begins with kindness to ourselves."

"If you have this ideal of yourself as a hero or helper or doctor and everybody else as the victim, the patient, the deprived, the underdog, you are continuing to create the notion of separateness. Someone might end up getting more food or better housing, and that's a big help; those things are necessary. But the fundamental problem of isolation, hatred and aggression is not addressed. Or perhaps you get flamboyant in your healer role. You often see this with political action. People make a big display, and suddenly the whole thing doesn't have to do with helping anyone at all but with building themselves up."

~Pema Chodron, from Start Where You Are