the evolution of family

My brothers came for a visit this week. In the midst of their busy lives, they came back to the 'beav,' as we like to call it, for a few days so our little nuclear family could be together. With a 2-year commitment looming in front of me, I don't honestly know the next time I'll see them all sitting around the same table. It could be next December or years from now. As these days together become rarer, we seem to embrace them more. Tuesday night we cooked crab cakes and homemade macaroni & cheese with Nana. Just being in her kitchen made the night. We used her yellow measuring cups and mixed in bowls I remember from childhood. It was magic. Then I videotaped scenes from their house. I might not see them inside it again. My Papa is already nearly gone. He slipped away with the melting snows after his fall in December. Sometimes, we catch a glimpse of him. But those moments are so unexpected now. Mostly he sits and waits, nodding when it seems appropriate and looking so confused. I miss him. And I know this must be so difficult for them. My Nana faces their situation so confidently and beautifully. It makes me want to weep as I think about it.
But despite all of these challenges, I feel so much gratitude. As my friend, Bhuvanesh reminded me tonight, we have so much. We do. It's true. But it's so easy to remember what's lacking and to focus on the painful moments.
I think having a void is part of the human experience and being truly awake requires us to be painfully aware of the absences. I notice that the more I delve into myself, the more I show up to my own life. The more I notice the tiny silences, the fuller the moments become.