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my body aches for what used to be
as she acclimates to what is,
i wait in a limbo i've never met before
there's a sombre silence where tears used to fall
my youthful fingers would catch them
before they reached the earth
but these new emotions feel deeply rooted inside that dark place i sometimes go
the salinity inside me travels as it should now
toward the earth who bore and nourished me

leaving some things behind

i used to run to escape
to burn those calories away
into a body i could control, manipulate
i ended that long and bloody battle years ago
but it still haunts me sometimes
i hear a voice echo in the distance
it's so far off now, yet strikingly familiar to the most integral parts of my being
time and experience has muddled it's intonation and meaning
i've forgotten how to escape
but these days i no longer want to

this winter

there's ice-encrusted earth underfoot
and fragile leaves weighed down by loss and memory
darkness rounds the edges of these stars
it looms large against their spray of lightness
so many dark nights follow us
into warm homes, soft sheets, comfortable thoughts
dying fires are just one log or two away
this winter arrived
for the first time the reality we constructed has washed away with the rains
and we've awoken,
finally
together we'll make this trek
toward a tomorrow
filled with less

From Infidel by Ayaan Hirsi Ali

"People are always asking me what it's like to live with death threats. It's like being diagnosed with a chronic disease. It may flare up and kill you, but it may not. It could happen in a week, or not for decades. The people who ask me this usually have grown up in rich countries, Western Europe and America, after the Second World War. They take life for granted. Where I grew up, death is a constant visitor. A virus, bacteria, a parasite; drought and famine; soldiers, and torturers; could bring it to anyone; any time. Death comes riding on raindrops that turned to floods. It catches the imagination of men in positions of authority who order their subordinates to hunt, torture, and kill people they imagine to be enemies. Death lures many others to take their own lives in order to escape a dismal reality. For many women, because of the perception of lost honor, death comes at the hands of a father, brother, or husband. Death comes to young women giving birth to new life, leaving the newborn orphaned in the hands of strangers. For those who live in anarchy and civil war, as in the country of my birth, Somalia, death is everywhere."

making it happen

today i took a small step
toward a dream born many years ago
i gathered with friends
and felt their love
as cyberspace accepted my submission

it's real

i'm becoming the shadows and the flesh
not hiding anymore
she's revealing herself to me
this voice deep inside
last year i didn't know her
but she's emerging, ever so slowly
and i'm amazed to find
she's me
and i'm her

the loss

so much chaos this week
the wreckage has blasted through my heart
a hole still smoldering when friendship once grew
i'm lost in this moment
not sure where the joy went or how to get it back
life's realities are throwing shadows on my footsteps
never saw them before
it feels so real
this experience of loss