the evolution of family

My brothers came for a visit this week. In the midst of their busy lives, they came back to the 'beav,' as we like to call it, for a few days so our little nuclear family could be together. With a 2-year commitment looming in front of me, I don't honestly know the next time I'll see them all sitting around the same table. It could be next December or years from now. As these days together become rarer, we seem to embrace them more. Tuesday night we cooked crab cakes and homemade macaroni & cheese with Nana. Just being in her kitchen made the night. We used her yellow measuring cups and mixed in bowls I remember from childhood. It was magic. Then I videotaped scenes from their house. I might not see them inside it again. My Papa is already nearly gone. He slipped away with the melting snows after his fall in December. Sometimes, we catch a glimpse of him. But those moments are so unexpected now. Mostly he sits and waits, nodding when it seems appropriate and looking so confused. I miss him. And I know this must be so difficult for them. My Nana faces their situation so confidently and beautifully. It makes me want to weep as I think about it.
But despite all of these challenges, I feel so much gratitude. As my friend, Bhuvanesh reminded me tonight, we have so much. We do. It's true. But it's so easy to remember what's lacking and to focus on the painful moments.
I think having a void is part of the human experience and being truly awake requires us to be painfully aware of the absences. I notice that the more I delve into myself, the more I show up to my own life. The more I notice the tiny silences, the fuller the moments become.

reading signs

I'm resurrecting the "road sign" project I started in Sri Lanka. I've been meaning to add to this list for months and am undeterred by the late hour. Part of the traveling experience definitely involves feeling out of place, especially with regard to language. I spent so much time trying to read body language or other nonverbal cues. I think that's why signs become such an integral part of the traveler's world. When we finally do gain access to information about our surroundings, that experience arrives bundled up in yet another unfamiliar package. I like to call this English with a twist, and for a solo traveler hungry for information, it offered me a grammatical glimpse into some of the worlds I visited.

1. The environment...it keeps you clean until you unclean it.
2. Enjoy chocolate malt food drink
3. On a sign outside McDonalds: Buy a large meal and win a trip to South Africa
4. At a western style restaurant in Hanoi: Do not step on toilet.
5. At the crocodile bank near Chennai: Visitors are requested not to disturb crocodiles or throw stones, sand, sticks, etc. Crocodiles are for your enjoyment. Please spend/take your time watching and you will find them fascinating and interesting.
6. Sign inside a pagoda in Hue, Vietnam: Note: Solemn place / keep silent / wearing tidy clothes when coming to imperial court. No smoking, wearing hats, beating drum, beating wooden lish, lying, sitting and running around.
7. On a display board at the War Remnants Museum in Saigon [What we call the Vietnam war is called the American war in Vietnam.]: "Yet we were wrong, terribly wrong. We owe it to future generations to explain why." -Robert McNamara
8. Inside Angkor Wat near a restoration site: Inconvenience caused is regretted
9. Near the main tourist street in Siem Reap, Cambodia: How will you feel when your whole country finds out you sexually abused a child?
10: Also near the main tourist street in Siem Reap: Happy Hour / Angkor Draft $.50 Hours scratched out and replaced with, Open - Close!
11. On Khao San Road in Bangkok: Very strong cocktail / We do not check ID card
12. In a botanical garden in Sri Lanka: Beware of resting and parking under trees / Please refrain from feeding the monkeys
13. In Mamallapuram, India: He who litters opens evil's door
14. On a random street in Khon Kaen, Thailand: Poo Milk Cafe
15. On a jungle tour in Khao Yai: The site for bird photograph
16. At the port bound for Koh Pha Ngan: For your safety, all passengers shall wear life jacket along your trip. Please request your life jacket from skipper and wear it all the time. [I never did meet the skipper.]
17. At a bus stop in Laos: Paylay Grilled Goat & Guest House
18. Inside the Hanoi Hilton: ...no frolicking...

remembering

my mom and i have been scanning hundreds of family photos these past few weeks. we're making a slideshow for my grandparents. i don't think either of us could do this project independent of one another, but together we're managing to get it done. i really love having electronic versions of old photos. there is something really beautiful about merging old realities with new mediums. it almost violates my expectations in a really visceral way. i'm pasting a few of my favorites here so they'll be accessible to me even when i'm away from my laptop.

With my Nana & Papa at Christmastime.

With Aaron in our old backyard.

Aaron with Dad in the early 80s.

Awesome!

I was perusing the blogosphere tonight and found this little gem. After watching it three times in a row, I decided to post it here in case I want to watch it again tomorrow. I've always loved comedy that is so exaggerated it becomes ridiculous. I think this sketch definitely qualifies!

yellow sweat

in the dead of winter it's hard to imagine those hot summ'ry nights
when the crickets and frogs make so many sounds it's difficult to find your own original thought
summer and fall is when we ran our hardest
we pulled our muscles against hills and weights
hoping for a few more moments or maybe a miracle
i starved myself until the days lost their shape and only those timed moments mattered
we laced yellow spikes and raced until our stomachs curled in agony
i remember the sweat falling off my chin and soaking my jersey
as if the fabric itself had become glued to my chest
i still recall the sound of labored breathing in a runner who knows nothing
beyond the click of the stopwatch

refugee

the swallow's wings used to beat against those gray boards near our gutters
just below the apex of our roof
they carried mud, sticks, feathers
and raised their family inside this warm home just outside our own
their young would squawk at dawn
hungry for a meal
just like we were
a man in a strange truck arrived one day with foil and a tall ladder
a few moments of hammering, and he was gone
in the wake of exhaust, he left a few strips of foil, a mangled nest and the echo of destruction in my room
those swallows never returned
their protected home remained silent
except for the occasional rustle of aluminum in the wind

wisdom from Pema Chodron

"In the way we practice, we don't say, "Hell is bad and heaven is good" or "Get rid of hell and just seek heaven," but we encourage ourselves to develop an open heart and an open mind to heaven, to hell, to everything. Why? Because only then can we realize that no matter what comes along, we're always standing at the center of the world in the middle of sacred space, and everything that comes into that circle and exists with us there has come to teach us what we need to know."

"Life's work is to wake up, to let things that enter into the circle wake you up rather than put you to sleep. The only way to do this is to open, be curious, and develop some sense of sympathy for everything that comes along, to get to know its nature and let it teach you what it will. It's going to stick around until you learn your lesson, at any rate. You can leave your marriage, you can quit your job, you can only go where people are going to praise you, you can manipulate your world until you're blue in the face to try to make it always smooth, but the same old demons will always come up until finally you have learned your lesson, the lesson they came to teach you. Then those same demons will appear as friendly, warm-hearted companions on the path. So that's why, this morning even though I was very hungry and tired, I was also very happy."

"As soon as you begin to believe in something, you can no longer see anything else."

"It has been said, quite accurately, that a psychotic person is drowning in the very same things that a mystic swims in."

making poverty history or perhaps a little more bearable?

Five years with an international, faith-based nonprofit taught me much about differing points-of-view. As this chapter in my life comes to close, I find myself reaching for books covering the efficacy of relief & development. I like William Easterly's honest assessment of the situation. He is realistic, but not hopeless about the obstacles we face. Here is just one of the many suggestions he makes:

“Part of the solution is changing the rich-country political marketplaces that aid agencies face. If Western governments and NGOs really want to make poor people’s lives better, it will take some political courage to admit that doing everything is a fantasy. The rich-country public has to live with making poor people’s lives better in a few concrete ways that aid agencies can actually achieve.”

a dear friend of mine shared this enlightened perspective with me a few weeks ago. i agree with him, as i usually do. perhaps you do as well.

"and when the time is right, if it's what you want, you will love one"