when the unexpected occurs

Last month, my new boyfriend of just two months was diagnosed with testicular cancer. We had known about the lump in his left testicle for nearly a month. After a bout with the flu, he noticed tenderness and I instinctively reached down to feel. A few moments later, I felt panic rush over me as I pinched a tiny lump between my thumb and index finger. It was hard and he winced as I rolled it around in my fingers. It took my breath away.

We went to a doctor on our east coast road trip and he assured Aaron it was an infection. Even though a doctor had assured us it was nothing, I felt dread in the pit of my stomach. After a full course of antibiotics, the lump remained. We returned to Columbia, started class and Aaron made an ultrasound appointment. Just 24 hours after the ultrasound, his doctor called with the news. There seemed to be extra blood flow in the area. It was indicative of.

And the rest he didn't want to tell me over the phone. But I made him. My stomach was in a knot and I couldn't concentrate on my ethics homework.

"Cancer," he said.

It's indicative of cancer. We spent the weekend with a dark cloud hanging over us. I felt fear, sadness and helplessness all at once. I had nightmares that cancer had spread throughout his body. We spent an agonizing four days waiting for the news.

On Tuesday morning, we drove together to the cancer center in our small college town. In the span of three hours, we heard that Aaron most likely had cancer and that he would be having surgery in less than 24 hours to remove his testicle.

We raced over to the fertility clinic before class to deposit sperm and tried desperately to summon romance when all we wanted to do was weep in each others arms.

What I remember most from that week is a steady stream of tears falling down my face. I went to class. I did my reading. I took notes. But, in the quiet time, I thought nothing of school and only of cancer. I had nightmares, but couldn't remember them. I woke up crying.

Aaron bravely walked through the outpatient doors of the clinic on a Tuesday morning resolved to remove the cancer and move on with his life. He took 40 pain pills in the course of a week and woke up in agony every morning for days.

"I want to learn from my dad," he often said. His father died of prostate cancer 10 years ago and that fact terrified me more every time I heard it. As I write this, I can hardly believe that this was my life just a month ago.

These days, Aaron is riding his bike, running down the stairs of his basement to switch his laundry from the washer to the dryer and running in the afternoons on the MKT. His doctors told him they can't detect any cancer in his body at the moment. But, he's under surveillance and will be probably continue to be screened carefully for the rest of his life. His insurance company is fighting the bills tooth and nail, claiming that his testicular cancer was a preexisting condition. After riding such an emotional roller-coaster, getting angry at the insurance company seems like a silly waste of time. Besides, it's so obvious that cancer, in any form, when diagnosed for the first time, is not preexisting.

My vicarious experience with cancer has influenced my life in many ways, but at the same time, it hasn't really changed it at all. Yes, cancer is scary as shit. It is a reminder of our mortality and our total and utter lack of control over our own lives, despite what we may think or feel about this topic. During that time, Aaron and I still fought about little things, like any couple does. We just fought with tears in our eyes and a little more fear than normal.

The process of finding out about cancer, treating it and moving forward is much more drawn out than I once thought. There is no particular day that changes everything. Rather, it is an experience like any other. Knowledge comes in small deliveries. And, really, there is no way to be completely sure of anything.

As my quantitative research methods professor says, "it's just a matter of what kind of error you're comfortable with." Really, I believe that in life, it is better to live as if no error will occur at all and when it does, look back with great appreciation for what has already occurred.

But perhaps the greatest realization I've made through all of this is that I met a great man last October and this experience has both given us more respect for life and for each other.

starting up again

I haven't blogged in awhile. It's nice to be back. My goal for this semester is to blog every day. It's seems a little formidable, but I think if I just aim for a short line or two, it'll be manageable. Hannah sent me a link to a New York Times page asking for Returned Peace Corps Volunteers to share their thoughts. I just typed something up quickly, but would like to preserve it here. I find that I have a difficult time articulately my experience. It was so complex and my emotions surrounding that time shift. So, here's what I think of my Turkmen experience today:

Peace Corps made a profound impact on my life. These days, I never put underwear in my washing machine without thinking of the days when I used to hand wash for hours in our little outdoor bathing room. I carried the water in a big plastic bucket from a tap on the main road and poured it over my clothes. I would turn them over and wring them out, all the while squatting over the bucket as my host aunt's six year old and seven year old ran around the yard chasing each other. There are people who will tell you that Peace Corps volunteers shouldn't be doing their laundry. But I will tell you that washing my laundry taught me more about time management, water conservation and gender roles than four years at a liberal arts college ever did. I would brainstorm lesson plans and watch in amazement as my laundry would dry in less than 10 minutes during the heat of the day in July. Turkmenistan is a formidable place with severe weather, an autocratic government and the same types of people I've know my whole life. No matter where we go in this world, people have the same basic desires. They want to sleep in on Saturdays, share meals with friends and family and create relationships with meaning. Peace Corps removed the "othering" we often unconsciously commit as people, regardless of our affiliations or cultural upbringings. Being alone in a new culture taught me how to see the culture as a local person. It probably took me more than a year, but once I did, the culture became my own and I no longer thought of the differences, and instead marveled at our similarities.

last GA shift

I'm on my last GA shift at the Missourian for this semester. I actually didn't get to write anything today (at least not yet). It could always happen at the final hour. I guess I'll let you know. For now, onto the Missourian presentation. If all goes well, I'll have created my first Prezi by the end of the night.

GA over Thanksgiving

I signed up for three GA shifts over Thanksgiving, but unfortunately, could only make one of them. I was disappointed, but looking back, I'm so relieved that I focused on the research papers. I would not have been able to finish everything (to my liking) had I only had this week to finish them.

I did make it in last Monday and it was really fun to be in the newsroom during such a quiet time. There were only a few of us and I had the chance to go to court and attend a small media conference. At the time, I thought the media event was boring, but looking back, I think I learned more than I actually thought I was learning at the time. Sounds so typical of most things in life...

Court was fascinating. I've never heard a judge go through the process of accepting a guilty plea. The first time I heard it, it was interesting. The second time, I caught nuances I hadn't noticed before. The third time I heard it, I just felt bad for the judge. I can't imagine going through that script thousands of times a year. My friend, Sam, who is currently in law school said that many lawyers want to add even more questions to what seems like quite a long and tedious question list. He said a surprising number of people appeal their guilty pleas later on, so the legal community thinks more questions will help clarify. I don't know the details, but at first glance, I disagree with the legal community. I think most people know exactly what they're saying when they enter a guilty plea; they just change their minds later when they're actually sitting in jail. Oh, I should mention that the guy I was there to report on did not enter a plea. His lawyer asked for a continuation. 

Later that evening, I covered a media event announcing that a Toronto-based pharmaceutical testing company is coming to Columbia in February. They'll be creating at least a dozen jobs and will be using space that previously housed an autism program.

Pharmaceutical testing company to expand to Columbia in February

I also finished up the rural emergency medicine doctor article on Monday (finally!).

MU's emergency medicine residency aims to alleviate physician shortage

surviving...

Well. I almost survived my first semester of grad school. I almost don't want to write that because I don't want to jinx anything. I am a few sentences away from finishing my first literature review and a final edit away from finishing my first (and probably last) legal research paper. I'm nearly finished with my research project for the Missourian and my TA responsibilities are finished after next Wednesday. Wow. It feels so good to write all of that.

Graduate school is all I had hoped for and is just as difficult as I expected. In just a few months, I've learned how to read research articles, how to synthesize complex works and how to report. I also learned how to grade and even though I would have appreciated much more instruction in that area, I feel like I have some baseline knowledge for next semester.

Here are a few lists that I've been mulling over the past couple weeks:

Top 5 favorite moments of the semester:
1. Calling myself a journalist for the first time last August
2. Finding out how much I like health reporting and then learning how to actually be a health reporter
3. Learning that there is an area of health communication called media advocacy
4. Listening to Aye Aye Win talk about being a journalist in Burma
5. Watching the leaves change on the MKT trail

Articles I wish I'd had time to write:
1. Acetaminophen overdose and how the knowledge is changing health practices
2. FIT WIC
3. Out, Proud and 40
4. World AIDS Day highlight
5. Dr. Williams' lecture: Your zip code dictates your health more than your genetic code

What I've learned:
1. Grad school involves a huge amount of research
2. Say yes now and tackle inner reservations later
3. Time off is sometimes more valuable than study time (though it needs to be appropriately timed)
4. Long-distance love doesn't have much of a chance (but that opens the door for love closer to home...)
5. Coming to grad school (even at 31) was a good idea

Reporting a complex issue

I've been digging into physician shortages in Missouri from an ER perspective this past month. I'm getting a taste of what it means to report on a complex issue. I've been wrestling with the actual writing part for a few days now and it's by far the most amount of time I've spent writing an article this semester. I've noticed a few things about this type of reporting.

• First - Time flies. 
• Second - It's hard to stop reporting. 

There seems to be an endless number of sources and an endless amount of research I could be doing. I can learn so much on this topic. In fact, some of the people I've spoken to have dedicated their careers to reducing the physician shortage in rural Missouri. It feels strange to swoop in for a moment, shine a light and tell a story and swoop back out.

More on Ryan Ferguson

I did a follow-up article on the legal side of the Ryan Ferguson case last week. I spoke with Professor Rodney Uphoff, a legal scholar at MU, (again!) about the potential ramifications of the case. Much to my amazement, I was fascinated with the topic. I never really thought I'd enjoy writing a legal interpretation, but once the law is contextualized within a personal narrative, it comes to life.

I asked if Ferguson could be tried again, if double jeopardy applies and if any of the prosecutors could be reprimanded for making a mistake. I also wanted to know about Erickson. He said Erickson has a slim chance of being released, but that his confessions will make it quite difficult.

Reporting on the law is tricky because it's difficult to remove the jargon without losing the accuracy. I'm really glad I had two opportunities to write a legal article. I would definitely take it on again in the future.

Q&A: Could Ryan Ferguson be tried again?